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friendship

Brainy, Cocktail Chatter

Toxic Friendships …Is it You?

September 11, 2012
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In researching the topic of friendship – we came across The Friendship Blog written by Dr. Irene Levine. Levine has also written a few best-selling books on the topic. While there are pages and pages of Dear Abby style Q&As, this quick post on “Are You a Toxic Friend” was interesting to share.

She writes …

It’s time to look in the mirror if you’re finding that you’re having frequent conflicts-either with the same person or with multiple friends-or that people who you thought were close friends often wind up dumping you, you have to consider whether there’s something you are doing or saying that’s sabotaging your own friendships.

Dr. Levine’s 5 possible signs of toxicity to look out for:

1) Are you too needy? Are you always the one who asks to get together? Are you the one putting forth all the effort in the relationship? Friendships need to be reciprocal. Even an ideal relationship may not be balanced every day or even every year but there’s a give-and-take that evens out over time. If you are constantly asking for attention, advice, support, time or even material favors from your friend, or are demanding more than they’re able to handle, it’s not unreasonable for them to grow weary of your neediness.

2) Are you too volatile? Do you blow-up each time things don’t go your way or do you tend to hide your feelings until they spew out when they can no longer be contained? No one likes to be with a friend who is intense, unpredictable, and seething, or who is unwilling or unable to work out little problems (before they become big ones) by talking about them.

3) Are you too moody? Everyone has his or her ups and downs but it’s difficult to be with a moody person no matter what the relationship. Are you always in the throes of depression? Are you so energetic to the point that you exhaust the people around you? If your moods seem too intense for others to bear or if your moods cycle rapidly, it may be off-putting.

4) Are you too blunt or invasive? Are you the type of person that always says what’s on your mind and expresses every thought totally unvarnished? Do you probe and ask questions regardless of whether your friend is ready to answer them. Are you so pushy that you make friends squirm in their seats? Close friends need to be kind and respectful of each other’s feelings, not say everything that comes to mind, and be sensitive to and responsive to the lines their friends draw around them.

5) Are you too insecure? Do your friends always make you feel one down to the point that you feel like you need to brag, lie or aggrandize your own situation? Do you hold back or feel too shy to talk, to disagree, or to set boundaries? Are you unable to talk about things that are important to you? If most people make you feel this way, you need to look inside and see how you can make yourself feel better.

If these sound like anything you can relate to … we’re thinking it’s time to buck up buttercup – take time for some self-reflection, start loving yourself first and then look forward to having some life long (think weekly or monthly check ins, not daily) friendships.

Body, Mood Boosters

EZ solutions for a toxic friendship

September 2, 2011
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We’ve all got those friends who you love being with … most of the time. However, every once in awhile their narcissistic, flakey, or critical behavior starts to affect how you feel about yourself.  Not good!

The Friendship Doctor, aka Irene Levine, psychiatrist and author of “Best Friends Forever: Surviving A Break-Up With Your Best Friend” and creator of The Friendship Blog. wrote a recent post on the very topic of toxic friendships – and provides some simple solutions.

And don’t worry – you’re not alone. In a survey conducted by The Today Show and Self Magazine, 84 percent of women and 75 percent of men admitted to having a toxic friendship.

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Need help dealing with a toxic pal? Try these tips from Irene Levine:

  • Self-absorbed sidekicks: Change the conversation from him/her to you (which won’t be easy). Change the subject and/or explicitly tell your narcissistic friend that you need and deserve their attention.
  • Chronic downers:  Set firm boundaries and tell him/her your limits (and enforce them!). Also encourage them to befriend other people — as in, spread the misery over more friends.
  • Overly critical chums: Have confidence in your own values and opinions. Also realize you may need to agree to disagree or else your relationship will be filled with contention.
  • Underminers: Recognize that this person is probably a “frenemy” and exercise caution, i.e., watch your back. Also, if the undermining is excessive and leaves you feeling badly about yourself, you may need to back away from the friendship.
  • Unreliable flakes: You may need to remind them of their commitments. Also remember, if someone is consistently unreliable, why would you ever rely on them?

To read the entire article, CLICK here:

Have a great labor day weekend ladies!